Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says, “Congratulations, how did you do that?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family.”

“Very good” said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, “How did you do that?”

The bat replies, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children.”

“Impressive” said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

“How on earth did you do that????” he asked.

And the bat replies, “Do you see this tower?”

Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, “Well, I didn’t.”

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man…

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains, I’m a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a Sniffer dog. His name is Smithy and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says, “Watch this.” He tells Smithy to ’search’.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says,”That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm. The agent says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making note of his seat number for the police.”

“I like it!” says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to ’search’ again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent., “What’s going on?”

The agent nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”

In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day. The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo.

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also.

On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few bananas. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.

The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.

The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, ‘Don’t you know I am the lion… king of the Jungle…, what’s wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this? Why are you delivering bananas to me?’

The delivery boy politely said, ‘Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but ..did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey’s visa!!!

Moral: Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere!!!

An angry bartender was closing up for the night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door, didn’t see anybody, and was about to close the door when a voice called, “Hey, down here.”

The bartender looked down and saw a snail.

“Hey,” the snail asked, “How about a drink?”

The angry bartender snarled, “First of all, we’re closed. Secondly, we don’t serve snails.”

And with that, the bartender kicked the snail all the way across the street.

A month later, the same angry bartender was closing up for the night when there was a knock at the door. He opened the door, and there was the same snail from last month.

“You know,” the snail said, “you didn’t have to kick me.”

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table.

This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog.

Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.

However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.

Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!”

The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

Joe did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

“What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? …… and who are you?” he asked.

“This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.”

“WHAT!!? Are you saying, I’m dead? I don’t want to die ….. I’m too young.” said Joe. “If I’m dead, I want you to send me back immediately.”

“It’s not that easy”, said St. Peter, “you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own”

Joe thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can’t be that bad.

“I want to return as a hen.” Joe replied.

In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow …….. then along came the rooster.

“Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm.” he said. “How does it feel?”

“Well, it’s OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up.”

“Oh that!” said the rooster. “That’s only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you can.”

Joe clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then ‘Plop’ and an egg was on the ground.

“Wow” Joe said “that felt really good!” So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, “Joe, for Christ’s sake!!! Wake up … you’re shittin’ all over the bed!”

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

“I did a terrible thing,” sniffed the drunk, “Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Champagne.”

“That is awful,” said the other guy, “And now that she is gone you want her back right?”

“Right!” said the drunk, still crying.

“You’re sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?”

“Oh, No,” said the drunk. I want her back because I’m thirsty again!”

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said……….”Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?”

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock”, the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup”, replied the drunk.

How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch”, the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You asshole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!