The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

“This”, he said, “is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.

“Where is my father?” he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead”!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, “Where is my mother’s husband?”

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, “Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa.”

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the ‘other man.’

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be a sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover:

Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The ‘other man’ was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office’s auditorium.

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes and the second fellow said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for $5 a hole?”

The first fellow said he was not much for betting but agreed to the terms. The second fellow won the next 16 holes.

As they walked off the last hole, the second fellow was counting his $80 and confessed that he was the Pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow said he was the Parish Priest. The Pro was embarrassed and offered to return the money.

The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you, keep your winnings.”

The Pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest replied, “Well you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation and if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”

Down in the south, there are many churches known as “answer back” churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better.

He said, “If this church is to become better, it must take up it’s bed, and walk.”

The congregation said, “Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk.”

Encouraged by their response, he went further, “If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it’s hindrances and run!”

The congregation replied, “Let it run, preacher, let it run!”

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger.

“If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it’s wings and fly!”

“Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!” the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder, “If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!”

The congregation replied, “Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk.”

In a small town, a person decided to open up his Bar business, which was right opposite to a Temple. The Temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop’s demise.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

“I don’t know how I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn’t.”

Three drunk guys are sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game (whose habits partially blocked the view).

In an effort to get te nuns to move, the men decided to badger them.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, I heard there are only 100 nuns living there.”

The Second Guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there.”

The Third Guy said, “Well, I want to go to Idaho, they say there are only 25 Nuns living there.”

At that, one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, “Why don’t you all go to hell. You won’t find any nuns there.”

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.

As one of them left, he shook the minister’s hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein.”

Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.

The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday’s comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did.

The minister asked, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?”

The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you.”

An old Jewish man gets on the subway in New York and sees a priest.

He notices the white collar, and decides to ask what it’s about.

“Why do you wear your collar backwards?” The old Jewish man asks.

The Priest, being polite, responds “Well, Sir, because I’m a father.”

“I am a father too, but I wear my collar normal.”

“Yes,” the Priest begins, “but I am father of many”

The old Jewish man shakes his head. “I have 8 children, and so many grandchildren I don’t know most their names, and still my collar isn’t backwards.”

The priest, aggitated, slams his fist in his palm, “Sir! I am the father of hundreds!”

The elderly Jewish man, beweildered, stands to get off the subway, and leans over to the priest, “Mister, maybe you should start wearing your pants backwards.”

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

Nescafe official, ‘Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily coffee’.”

The Pope looks outraged and thunders, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, “We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord’s prayer to all Catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily coffee’.”

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, “That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Nescafe director says, “Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million.”

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. “There is some Good news,” he announces, “and some bad news …..

The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ‘ that the Church will get $ 500 million.”

“And what is the bad news, your Holiness?” asks a Cardinal.

“Sadly” says the Pope, “We would have to lose the Britannia Account.”