A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

“You have three wishes, choose them wisely.” says the Genie.

The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, “I want a beer that will never run out.”

*Poof*

A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The guy being very content starts walking away.

“Where are you going,” asks the Genie, “You still have two wishes left!”

“Well,” replies the guy, “Give me TWO more of these!”

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “Tell me, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?”

The drunk replied, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.

Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, what the hell is going on?

The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender asks the man, “What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Nothing”, the man responds, “this turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you 5000 bucks that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy 5000, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.

“Told you it’ll be there before your dog.”

A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. “Where have you been?” she screams. “It’s 4 in the morning!”

He says, “Aww, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink…but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, and so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men’s Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals…man, I want to tell you, it was wonderful.”

“I don’t believe that story for one goddamn minute,” his wife said. “What was this place called?”

“Hell,” he replies, “I can’t remember…I got too drunk, and I forgot.”

“You’re gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I’m going to divorce you!” she said.

The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under “BARS”, but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he’ll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He’s called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff.

“Here,” the man says, handing the phone to his wife. “Ask this bartender if I’m lying!”

The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night…the rail, the shot glasses, the mirrors, the table posts, the cash register, etc. etc. Finally, she says, “Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals…do you?”

The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell, “Hey Mike!! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone…”

A taxi driver goes to a bar to pick up his fare, a really drunk guy who has been in the bar way too long.

After giving directions back to his house, he and the taxi driver are talking.

The drunk guy leans forwards and says, “Hey taxi-dude! Think you got enough room in the front for a case of beer and a couple of chicken burgers?”

Taxi guy says “Sure! Not a problem.”

“Some french fries and some meat loafs?”

“Not a problem, sir,” Taxi guy replied.

The drunk guy goes, “BLLLLEEEEEECCCHHHHH!”

Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.

Wiping his mouth off on his shirtsleeve, he says, “Man, I gotta go home. I’m already two hours late, and now I’ve thrown up all over myself. My wife is gonna kill me.

The second guy turns to the first and says, “Naw she won’t. Listen, you got twenty bucks?”

The first says, “Yeah, why?”

The second drunk says, “Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.”

The first guy says, “Great idea! Let’s have another round”, and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.

Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guy’s wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, “Look at you! You’re pathetic!! You’re five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you’ve got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself ?!?”

He says, “Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunken guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket.”

She reaches in and pulls out the money. She says, “Wait there’s 40 bucks in here!”

He says, “Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!”

There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went to see the Doctor about it.

The doctor says to him, “Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?”

The man replies, “Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods.”

The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, “Well man, that’s your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you’ll have to give them up!!”

The guy says, “But how long for, I mean I really like peas!”

The doctor replies, “Forever, I’m afraid”

The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realises that he will never eat a pea again.

Anyway, one night, years later, he’s at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed.

One of the reps says, “Well, actually, I’d love a cigarette, because I haven’t had a smoke in four years, I gave it up.”

Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, “Really, I haven’t had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so i gave it up!”

The businessman says. “That’s nothing, I haven’t had a pea in 7 years.”

The barman jumps up screaming, “Ok, everyone who can’t swim, grab a table….”

Bobby walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, hmm?”

Bobby says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”

The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round. Monday evening arrives. Bobby comes back into the bar and says, “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!”

Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, “You mean they’ll PAY me too?”