On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him.

Finally he went up to the man and asked, “Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you’re back again. How do you do it?”

“Well,” said the other man, “the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It’s lot of fun. You should try it.”

The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, “Hey, why not?”

So he goes out to the balcony, jumps off, and seconds laterhe has splatted straight onto the ground, stone dead.

The bartender looks over to the other guy and says, “Superman, you can be a complete as*hole when you are drunk”

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yess, Preasher… I ssssure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

“Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.

“Nooo, I ddddidnt!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo, I dddid not Reverrrrend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?”

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “then depress the trigger to release the foam.”

Later a blonde employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?”

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who’s a blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, “What are you doing?”

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.”

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, “And where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark.”

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at a large gathering, and his blonde hostess broached a subject of which the doctor was most at ease.

“Doctor, would you mind telling me,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in someone who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask a simple question, one which anyone should be able to answer without any problem. If he or she hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?” asked the hostess.

“Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’” the doctor replied.

The blonde thought for a moment, then said, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I’ve never known very much about history!”

A newlywed blonde phones her mother and sobs, “Steve doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him.”

“Now, now, dear,” her mother replies, in an attempt to comfort her. “I’m sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”

“No, mother,” the young bride wails, “I bought a frozen turkey loaf for Thansgiving and he screamed at me because of the price.”

“Well, that is being a little cheap,” the mother agrees. “Those turkey rolls don’t cost more than a few of dollars.”

“It wasn’t the cost of the turkey roll he was upset about, mother,” says the blonde, “it was the airplane ticket.”

“Airplane ticket?” What are you talking about?” asks the confused mother. “Why did you need an airplane ticket?”

“Well, mother,” the blonde explains, “when I went to prepare the turkey roll, I checked the directions on the back. It said, ‘Prepare from a frozen state’, so I flew to Alaska!”

A blonde enters a restaurant and goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. On the board, she sees a piece of paper that reads “Ocean Cruise - Only $10″.

She pulls the piece of paper from the board and goes to the address listed on the back of it. She enters the building and hands the paper to the secretary who nods and asks the blonde if she has ten dollars. The blonde takes five dollars from her purse and gives it to the secretary.

The secretary then looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper and nods to him. He stands up, walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.

When she wakes up, she finds that she’s tied to a log and is floating down the river. She starts to think that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. All of a sudden, she sees one of her blonde friends tied to a log floating right next to her.

“So, do you think they’re going to serve us some food on this trip?” the blonde asks her friend.

“They didn’t serve any last year!” her blonde friend replies.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee’s well being, asks sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.”

The blonde very calmly explains, “No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know,” he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, “Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No,” replies the blonde, “I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!”

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn’t be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.

After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight.

“What took you so long?” inquired the Redhead.

“There were some strong currents out there! But I’m here now! Am I the last?” replied the Brunette.

“No. Blondie is still out there somewhere.” They decided to wait. Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view.

Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde, “What took you so long?”

“What do you expect? You guy’s cheated, replied the idignant blonde, “You used your hands!”