“How come you’re late?” asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

“It was awful,” she explains. “I was walking down the street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute.”

“What did you do?” asks the bartender.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

A blonde was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12, he’s notified that his uncle has died and left him over $100,000.

The blonde was so happy when the warden gave him the news, that he made a promise to put the money in a trust fund until he was released. The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying up the money.

The blonde said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a PC. The warden agreed and got him a computer - a brand new Compaq. After a few weeks, the warden visited him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement, he saw the computer smashed on the floor.

The warden asked him what happened and the the blonde said it didn’t work properly and that it would not even complete the simplest of tasks.

The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do, and the blonde said he just wanted one simple task, but the computer couldn’t perform it.

The blonde said, “I hit the Escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothing, I am still here. I think I’m going to sue Compaq.”

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren’t just stupid bimbos — after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department, which sports the saying: “I Belong in B.E.D.”

Police was investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 9th-story office.

Nancy, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.

“After my very first week on the job,” Nancy said, “I received a raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, ‘These are for a beautiful efficient secretary.’

“At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost.”

“I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for just 500 bucks, although I was charging all the other guys in the office one thousand. That’s when he jumped out the window.”

On their anniversary night, the blonde husband sat his wife down in the bedroom with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

“How romantic!” she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.

Her harried blond husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

“Almost ready!” he vowed. “Sorry it took me so long but I had to refill the pepper shaker.”

“Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?”

“More than an hour, I reckon. Wasn’t easy stuffing’ it through those dumb little holes.”

A group of people decide to prove that blondes are not really dumb. For this reason, they gather 80,000 natural blondes at Wembley stadium. A guy who`s hosting the show randomly picks out one blonde and asks her to come down to the center. They are standing at the microphone as he asks her:
“What`s two times two?”
“Five”, answers the blonde and smiles.
The guy shakes his head, but the whole stadium shouts, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”
Then the guy asks her, “What`s three times three?”
“Eight”, answers the blonde proudly.
The guy is about to let her return to her seat, but the whole stadium starts to shout again, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”
So the guy asks her one more question. “What`s four times four?”
“Sixteen”, answers the blonde shyly.
Before the guy expresses his reaction, the whole stadium starts to shout, “Give her one more chance, give her one more chance!”

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana & cocaine doesn’ t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,
Johnny

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at, my friend, Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Somewhat skeptical of his son’s newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

“Please, Dad,” whined the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day.”

“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a big commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.

“Please, Dad?”

“They’re not cheap either.”

“I’ll use them Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!”

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, “I’ll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.” The teacher said, “Sorry Alan, that’s not correct.”

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.” The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.

Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.” The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I’ll give you the $20.”

As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, “You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”

Jayant replied, “Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!”