A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

“Who is this incredibly fine archer?” cried the duke. “I must find him!”

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

“You didn’t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?” asked the duke worriedly.

“No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.”

“That is truly astonishing,” said the duke. “I hereby admit you into my service.”

The boy thanked him profusely.

“But I must ask one favor in return,” the duke continued. “You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.”

“Well,” said the boy, “first I fire the arrow at the tree… …and then I paint the target around it.”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the Christmas play.

“Now,all you have to do, when you hear me say to the choir ‘…and the angel lit the candle’, is come on stage and light all the candles.”

“I can do it, I can do it!” the little boy said, excitedly.

Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was ready, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, and all awaited the moment when the cute littlest angel would make his entrance.

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant “…and the angel lit the candle” Everyone looked stage right for the entrance.

No little boy.

The director gave the downbeat again, and more loudly said, “…and the angel lit the candle”

Again, all eyes looked stage right. No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures, and this time the choir thundered into the line. So loud were they that the curtains belled slightly from the sound!

“…AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!”

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right, “…and the cat peed on the matches!”

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders along a well-traveled stretch of highway. The location, at a bend in the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by. He had used this location successfully a number of times, especially on holidays, and decided to use it again one Labor Day weekend.

The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling down to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or so the officer hadn’t seen anybody speeding.

In fact most of the cars that passed him were traveling exactly at the speed limit, and some of the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him. He couldn’t believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well concealed.

Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went investigate.

He got out of his car and walked up the road a short distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found the problem: A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said: RADAR TRAP AHEAD.

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boys accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading TIPS and a bucket at his feet full of change.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception.

A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I am not an American.” replied Gita.

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a proud Indian,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gita why she is an Indian.

“Well”, my mom and dad are Indians, “so I’m an Indian too.”

The teacher is now angry.

“That’s no reason”, she says loudly, “if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile.

“Then,” says Gita, “I’d be an American.”

Teacher enters the classroom and asks the grade two students to learn some farm yard animal noises so they could perform them at the school assembly.

The day comes quickly and it was Grade Two’s turn to impress the rest of the school. The teacher introduces them

“Mary, can you do a farmyard noise?”

Proud as punch Mary says, “Yes miss……mooooooo!”

“Michael, can you do a farmyard noise?”

Grinning ear to ear he replies, “Yes miss……oink oink oink!”

“Sally, can you do a farmyard noise?” Jumping on the spot she says, “Yes miss……cluck, cluck!”

“Johnny, can you do a farmyard noise?”

Johnny was quiet for a while then says “Yep”

“Well can you show us?” Prods the teacher

“Ok then………….Johnny get of the ****ing tractor you little ****!”

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, “By fur Miss?”

The teacher replies, “Not quite right Mary, but a good try.”

Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, “Me Miss!, me miss!”

The next student the teacher’s picks is Peter, and he answers, “Is it attached by skin Miss?”

The teacher replies, “Not quite right either Peter … Anyone else want to try?”

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, “What do you think the tail is attached by?”

Johnny replied, “Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat … I’d say it would have to be bolted on!”

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, “Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight. Three plus four, that son of a bitch is seven….”

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”

The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”

“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.

“Yes,” he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”

The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”

The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father.

“Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “There must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”