A lady lost her purse in a bustling department store. She searched everywhere she had visited, but just couldn’t find it.

Finally, a little boy approached her and asked, “Ma’am, is this your purse?”

Jubilantly, she grabbed the purse and cried, “Yes! Yes, it is! Thank you so much!”

Then she looked inside and was suddenly confused. “But how strange… when I lost it, I had only a hundred dollar bill, but now I have five twenties!”

The boy replied, “That’s because the last time I returned a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward!”

The first day of school was going good for the new teacher and in an attempt to “break the ice” with the little second graders, she began to ask each student what their fathers did for a living.

“Mary, what does your father do?” asked the teacher.

Mary replied, “My dad is a mailman”.

“That’s great Mary. Every town needs a mailman to deliver the mail,” said the teacher.

“Nancy, what does your father do? asked the teacher again.

“Oh, he is a mechanic”, replied Nancy.

“That is really great Nancy we need mechanics like your father to keep our cars running,” said the teacher.

Looking in the back of the room she spotted a rather sad looking Johnny. “And, Johnny, what does your daddy do?” asked the teacher.

“W-well, my daddy died last summer”, said Johnny in a broken voice.

The teacher really felt bad and wondered how she could get herself out of this one. “Well, I’m ah, really, um, am sorry to hear about your daddy Johnny,” stammered the teacher. “What did your daddy do before he died?” she asked.

Johnny calmly replied, “Well, he turned blue, then he shit in his pants.”

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he’s flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can’t hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy’s chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

“So,” the little guy says brightly, “are you feeling better now?”

Agatha’s 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.

From the back seat of the car she’d ask, “Mom, what does fgrpl spell?”

“Nothing,” Agatha said.

Sitting at breakfast she’d suddenly ask, “Mom, what does doeb spell?”

“Nothing,” Agatha answered.

This went on for several weeks.

Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, “Mom, what does lmdz spell?”

Agatha smiled at her and said, “Nothing, sweetheart.”

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, “Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell ‘Nothing’!”

The little girl was so proud of her birthday presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.

The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl’s mother had said, “If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I’m going to send you to your room for the rest of the day.”

The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume:

“If you hear anything or smell anything … it’s me!”

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as “Guinea pigs” in a test of emergency systems.

A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay “wounded” for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but this brief note: “Have bled to death and gone home.”

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for “Show & Tell,” and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Anna: What did you bring?

“I brought a Walkman.”

“And what is it for?”

“You can listen to music with it!”

“That’s nice. What did you bring Maria?”

“I brought a can opener, it opens cans!”

“Well done. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!”

“Yes, I did. It’s in the hall.”

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

“Umm, Johnny, what is that?”

“It’s a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.”

“Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?”

“He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!’”

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children’s soccer practice. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn’t be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up.

Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn’t mention anything about his father’s whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived.

When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

“Yes,” he replied, “she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don’t worry. I told her I didn’t know.”

A kid walks into an ice cream store and when he steps up to the counter the owner asks him what he wants.

The kid just stares and looks around with a glazed expression on his face and doesn’t say anything. Finally the owner realizing that this kid isn’t all there decides to point to certain items. He points to the vanilla ice cream and asks the boy if he would like vanilla. The boy’s body shakes, and then he nods his head and points to the vanilla.

“Okay,” said the owner, “how about a cup for your ice cream?” as he points to the cups.

The boy shakes some more, nods and points at the cups.

So the owner goes on…”caramel sauce?”

The boy again shakes, nods, and points and the jar of caramel sauce.

“Some whipped cream?”

Again the boy shakes, nods and points to the whipped cream can.

“A red cherry on top?” as he points to the cherries in a container.

The boy shakes, nods, and points at the cherries.

Finally the owner says, “Crushed nuts?”

“No, cerebral palsy.”