“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

Little Johnny was late for class. He walked into the classroom, quietly shut the door behind him, and tiptoed to his seat, all the while hoping his teacher wouldn’t notice. But, nevertheless, the teacher was well aware of his entry.

Upset by his tardiness, the teacher asked, “Is this how your father would have come in? Would he have come in late and tried to sneak to his desk?”

The teacher pointed to the door and continued, “Now, leave this classroom and try it again. And, be sure to get it right next time!”

So, Little Johnny picked up his books and left the room. A few moments later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth.

He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the floor, and said, “So, Honey, didn’t expect *me*, did you?”

Little Johnny’s father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them.

Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishop’s room and then say to him, “It’s the boy, my Lord, it’s time to get up.”

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked.

He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, “It’s the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!”

As Joe was trying to pack for vacation, his 3-year-old daughter was having a great time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, “Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her fingers in his mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before he rushed out of the room again.

When Joe returned, his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears streaming down her face…

Joe said, “What’s wrong honey?”

Dejected, sad and broken, she looked up at him and said, “Daddy, where’s my booger?

Little Johnny’s dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Andy came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny.

When Uncle Andy came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child’s religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Little Johnny looked up and said, “What are you doing?”

“Why, the same thing you’re doing”, replied Uncle Andy.

“Mom is going to be mad”, said Little Johnny.

“Why will she be mad?” asked Uncle Andy.

“Because the bed pan’s on this side!”

A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”

“Yes Sir”, answered the boy.

“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”

“My father, sir.”

“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.

“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right.”

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I`m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn`t use this to wash your dog. It`s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he`ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an “I-told-you-so”, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well, the boy replied, “I don`t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh? What was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle!”

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, “Daddy fell into the well last week…”
“My goodness!” the teacher exclaimed. “Is he all right?”
“He must be,” said the boy. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said, “I do. My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three?”
“Four,” answers the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?”
“A jack.”