A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. The teacher was asking them all questions:
“Sanju, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo.”
“Ajay, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow.”
“Rahul, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa.”
“Dolly, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Ummm… It goes click!”

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.

Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said this could be somebody really important.

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.

hey called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know who it was?”

The police said, “It’s somebody kind of important.”

“Well, who was it?”

“The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

Two Aussies, Hugo and Jake, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Hugo stumbled across an old lamp.

He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Hugo blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into BEER!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew EVER sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Jake looked disgustedly at Hugo whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Jake said, “Nice going Hugo! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat.”

There was an Englishman, an Indian and a Pakistani driving along, when they rolled the car and the three of them got killed. They went to Heaven and met St Peter at the Pearly Gates. They explained that they’d been killed and needed a place to stay.

St Peter replied, “I’d love to help you boys but we’re full up after the holiday season. I’m afraid you’ll have to go into Limbo till there’s a vacancy.”

The Englishman slipped St Pete £50 and asked if that’d make any difference.

St Peter said, “For that mate, you can go back to Earth.”

By the time the Englishman got back, there were police everywhere and an ambulance. They all got a real shock when he sat up.

“What happened? You’ve been dead for half and hour,” asked the ambulance driver.

He told them about St Peter and the £50, so the ambulance driver asked why the other two didn’t come back.

“Well,” says the Englishman, “the Indian is trying to bargain him down and the Pakistani reckons the government should pay for it!”

Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of=here.”

The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.

“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same, ” replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”

Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.” The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, “Howdy, ma’am. My name’s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah’m from Dallas, Texas. Ah’m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah’m white from th’ top of mah head to th’ tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish.”

Well, she didn’t know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane.

He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, “Howdy, suh. My name’s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah’m from Dallas, Texas. Ah’m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah’m white from th’ top of mah head to th’ tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish.”

The little fellow turned to him, “Well now, how d’ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O’Donnell. I’m from Dublin, Ireland. I’m 5-foot 6- inches tall, and I’m white from the top o’ me head to the tip o’ me toes, except for my rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N.”

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them.

As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home. She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be.

“A swan,” he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England.

The fairy turned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle, which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned home.

The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. “And what bird do you choose?” she asked.

He thought, and mused, then said, “A penguin.”

Paddy was the most intelligent man in Ireland. He was the president of the Irish branch of Mensa and he had won a million pounds on Who wants to be a Millionaire, and was Professor of astrophysics at the Paddy Institute of Technology.

One day, he was in the pub and his mates were telling him that he should appear on Mastermind, the quiz where the most intelligent men on the planet, show their superior brainpower. So he filled in the forms and sure enough was called up, and over to London he went to appear on the show.

The moment came when he was called up to the chair, to be questioned.

“Paddy, what is your specialist subject?”

“Irish History.”

“Paddy your minute starts now. Who was the leader of the Irish Revolution?”

“Pass.”

“In what year was the revolution?”

“Pass.”

“How many men died during the Easter Revolution?”

“Pass.”

“What was the name of the British informer who helped the rebels?”

“Pass.”

All of a sudden his friend stood up in the audience and roared, “Good man Paddy, tell the fu**ing English nothing.”

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is different hell for each country and decides he’ll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to American hell and asks, “What do they do here?”

He is told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day”.

The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the Australian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the American hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?”

He is told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?” asked the man.

“Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Indian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.”